In a relatively shocking move, the University of Miami has wrapped up its search for a new head coach. They have hired ESPN personality and dumbo lookalike Paul Finebaum.
This comes just days after Finebaum’s comments about the University. These disparaging remarks have become the usual for Finebaum, especially when it comes to any conference besides the SEC.
“I think Miami is just an absolutely terrible job. I think this program is bankrupt. I think it has a delusional fanbase thinking this is the ’80s and the ’90s and maybe even the early part of the new millennium. I don’t get it. I don’t know why any coach in their right mind would want this job.”
When asked about these comments at his press conference, Finebaum responded with “PSYCH!!!” It turns out he’s wanted this job all along, and the University feels the same way. “It’s a dream hire for us”, said University of Miami President Julio Frenk. We figured that someone with no experience and who has no idea what they are doing is still a huge upgrade over Al Golden.”
When asked about how his lack of coaching experience would limit his ability to move the program in the right direction Finebaum responded, “Have you heard my radio show? I am damn good at telling people what they should be doing even when I have absolutely no athletic or coaching experience.”
Finebaum said that he was tired of all of the jizz stains on his clothing from oral sex with every ESPN and SEC executive. He also stated that he has an asset that others don’t that will help him with his coaching on the sidelines. “Do you see my ears?” he stated “These huge fucking dumbo ears can hear everything within a 10 click radius. I won’t have to do much, I will be listening to every play call! Those stupid little play sheets won’t affect me!”
As for his first move for the Miami program? “I am going to petition the league as hard as I can so that we can move to the SEC. That and work on another year of eligibility for Tim Tebow.”
It will be interesting to see if Finebaum can bring back the once great program. It will be a difficult rebuilding effort when most of the fans dropped out of FIU or another local community college. Chances are good though that they can improve their average attendance of 57 per game.