Football

Alleged Source of Peyton’s HGH is Shocking

Allegations surfaced this past weekend that Peyton Manning, along with a long list of other professional athletes, received Human Growth Hormone. The allegations come from an Al-Jazeera report which states that Manning received HGH all over the country and that usually the shipments were made in his wife Ashley’s name.

Stunning reports today revealed the source of these shipments. “Papa” John Schnatter was apparently the source of the drugs that Manning allegedly received.

That’s right, the douche with the smug smile and terrible acting chops served Manning a “secret” ingredient on his pizzas. Many are now tying the weird tension between the two on the ubiquitous pizza commercials to what was going on when the cameras were off.

“Many people don’t know that John got started dealing drugs, he started a pizza place as a front for his drug operation” said a friend of Schnatters who asked to remain anonymous. “It all changed because of that fucking garlic sauce”.

His friend is referring to the only saving grace of the greasy, sauce-soaked, cardboard crusted pizza. It turns out Manning never received any actual shipments of HGH, the drugs were hidden in the garlic sauce containers.

Turns out better ingredients don’t just make a better pizza, they also hasten the recovery from a complex neck surgery. Better ingredients, better $100 million contract from the Broncos, eh Peyton?

The shock soon faded as everyone realized that pretty much every athlete is on drugs now. No longer can we act shocked when an athlete with 10’s of millions of dollars on the line turns to drugs to help them heal faster, better, or become stronger. It doesn’t matter how highly they are thought of, how many endorsements they have, or how much they resemble the lovable Corky from facts of life.

Question anyone who tells you they would not look for help or assurance in that situation. What’s the worst that could happen? Will the Broncos try to get their money back from Peyton? Best of luck with that.

The real villain here is the “Papa”. Peddling his shitty pizza to a couch-ridden public who rarely see their respective feet anymore. God Bless America!

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